[He leans into the touch for a moment, then tilts his head up to kiss Phil again.]
It feels good to be able to talk again. Or at least, to be heard. I would talk sometimes while with you, you know. Even though I knew you couldn't hear any of it. Just... easier, to speak off the top of my head without worrying about making sense, or trying to force it to make sense in writing.
And of course, writing took extra time, and writing longer notes took forever, and that got awkward sometimes, the silence between you saying something and me being able to formulate a reply...
[He says all of this in between kisses, first to Phil's lips, then to his neck, and shows absolutely no signs of shutting up any time soon.
[It probably will, in the future. But for now, Phil is just really amused by this.]
Hey, you can't tell me that you talked to me before without telling me what you said. I want to know what dirty secrets you told me when I couldn't hear.
nsfw text... is it even worth apologizing for that when phil is much worse about it
"Dirty secrets" isn't exactly the word I would use for most of it. Though, ah. I'll admit that I talk quite a bit more during sex than the average person.
[That time he wrote out his review of the Emoji Movie while making out with and straddling Phil was not in fact a fluke]
Some of it was more innocuous, like about how much I appreciate you. About things I've been able to see with doses of that saliva- by the way, you haven't asked for that in a while. I'm a little surprised.
I told you a bit about my home. Germany, and New Mexico. My parents... my teammates. Some things I wound up writing to you about later, and some I probably will tell you eventually, when I think to do so.
[While Medic speaks, he idly traces one hand down Phil's side, eventually stopping where his bandages once were.]
But I think most of it was about you. About how I wished that you didn't have to deal with. Well. Any of this, really. The time loop you had back home, and the Foundation here, and the resort now.
[Medic thinks for a moment.]
And about how attractive I find you to be. That came up quite a few times.
honestly pretty much every thread with phil and his bfs is going to end up nsfw somehow
You know, I'm up for more of those movie hallucinations, whenever you are-
[Oh, that last part though.
That actually stuns Phil for a few moments. He knows that they're dating, and he knows that Medic loves him, but it's still unusual to hear anyone say something so kind about him. Genuinely kind.
Eventually Phil finds his words, wrapping his arms around Medic's shoulders.]
I really wish you didn't have to deal with any of this either, Ludwig. Although if nothing else, I'm glad I got to meet you.
[Phil hesitates, before continuing.]
I know you're going to argue this, but I'm pretty sure it's punishment for how much of an asshole I am... was. [Even after all of this time, he's not sure which is more accurate.] Trust me, I don't think you would have wanted to deal with me if you met me before the time loop.
[Aw. Medic kisses briefly at Phil's neck again before replying.]
... I wouldn't say this if I thought any of them might be listening, but they've all made it abundantly clear that they won't even try to listen to anything I say or do when I'm, ah, with you. Thank God.
[He still speaks at a soft whisper, as if that will prevent disembodied soul eavesdroppers.]
One of my other partners tortured and killed every guard in a gulag in one night, when he was barely older than the teenagers here. The other has run away from his responsibilities as a father for nearly three decades, instead berating his son from a distance for years while lying, stabbing, and cheating his way to the top.
I killed a man for the first time at seventeen, and since then have left a trail of dead men and behind me wherever I go. And I enjoy it- I've enjoyed every moment of my work, and I would do it all again if given the chance to go back.
So... What makes you so much worse than us? What made you deserve that sort of torment when I haven't? When I've personally avoided any punishment for any wrongs I have done?
[It seems like that's really what Medic's stuck on. Not just the fact that Phil thinks he deserves that sort of torment when Medic's done so much worse.
Why is he allowed to cheat his way out of literal hell, while Phil gets trapped in his own living hell for the crimes of being a dick?]
[Phil is silent for a good minute. He's more or less used to hearing about the horrifying things that Medic has done in his own world. And at first? He has no real argument against this.]
You really know how to turn a guy on, don't you?
[Judging by the small kisses he places on Medic's neck, however, he doesn't seem very upset by this.
... However, something soon hits him.]
Remember that first kiss we had? The one where I saw my entire time loop?
I think... it wasn't supposed to be a punishment.
It was supposed to be my opportunity to become the best person I could have become.
[Look, Phil is just numb to the fact that his boyfriends are known murderers. It's fine.
Phil does smirk at that one comment, however]
I didn't know you could tell jokes!
[He playfully pushes Medic's shoulder lightly. His smirk soon falters, however, as he thinks back on the loop.]
I at least wished someone told me about it upfront what I was supposed to do. I really feel like I squandered the past decade of my life now, looking back.
... And I'm not sure. I hope whoever or whatever was keeping me in the time loop decided to stop it once I got out. The idea of my entire world locked into one day for the rest of eternity thanks to me sounds terrifying just to think about.
Hey! I can tell jokes just fine, thank you. It's just hard to get them across properly over sticky notes.
[That does get him to giggle a little, at least.]
A little direction would be nice, yes. Instead of just hoping you figure it out at some point while you drive yourself mad from the monotony.
Yes, I hope that, too, but I more meant... Do you think you're still able to become "the best" version of yourself, even without a time loop forcing you to?
I don't know. I doubt it, if I'm being honest with myself. I don't know how long I ended up saying in that timeloop, but it's way more time than I have to just improve myself the same way here.
Hmmm. Still. You know now that you can improve as a person. That you have less time is surely a fair trade-off for being able to experience new things, again- that alone should be more than enough help. You don't need decades to become kinder. Just the resolve to do so.
... That said, I like you just fine as you are.
[I mean some improvement wouldnt HURT but its fine he's gay anyway]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I don't know, do you want me to tell you how beautiful you are some more?
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[He leans into the touch for a moment, then tilts his head up to kiss Phil again.]
It feels good to be able to talk again. Or at least, to be heard. I would talk sometimes while with you, you know. Even though I knew you couldn't hear any of it. Just... easier, to speak off the top of my head without worrying about making sense, or trying to force it to make sense in writing.
And of course, writing took extra time, and writing longer notes took forever, and that got awkward sometimes, the silence between you saying something and me being able to formulate a reply...
[He says all of this in between kisses, first to Phil's lips, then to his neck, and shows absolutely no signs of shutting up any time soon.
Are you missing the notes yet, Phil]
no subject
Hey, you can't tell me that you talked to me before without telling me what you said. I want to know what dirty secrets you told me when I couldn't hear.
nsfw text... is it even worth apologizing for that when phil is much worse about it
"Dirty secrets" isn't exactly the word I would use for most of it. Though, ah. I'll admit that I talk quite a bit more during sex than the average person.
[That time he wrote out his review of the Emoji Movie while making out with and straddling Phil was not in fact a fluke]
Some of it was more innocuous, like about how much I appreciate you. About things I've been able to see with doses of that saliva- by the way, you haven't asked for that in a while. I'm a little surprised.
I told you a bit about my home. Germany, and New Mexico. My parents... my teammates. Some things I wound up writing to you about later, and some I probably will tell you eventually, when I think to do so.
[While Medic speaks, he idly traces one hand down Phil's side, eventually stopping where his bandages once were.]
But I think most of it was about you. About how I wished that you didn't have to deal with. Well. Any of this, really. The time loop you had back home, and the Foundation here, and the resort now.
[Medic thinks for a moment.]
And about how attractive I find you to be. That came up quite a few times.
honestly pretty much every thread with phil and his bfs is going to end up nsfw somehow
[Oh, that last part though.
That actually stuns Phil for a few moments. He knows that they're dating, and he knows that Medic loves him, but it's still unusual to hear anyone say something so kind about him. Genuinely kind.
Eventually Phil finds his words, wrapping his arms around Medic's shoulders.]
I really wish you didn't have to deal with any of this either, Ludwig. Although if nothing else, I'm glad I got to meet you.
[Phil hesitates, before continuing.]
I know you're going to argue this, but I'm pretty sure it's punishment for how much of an asshole I am... was. [Even after all of this time, he's not sure which is more accurate.] Trust me, I don't think you would have wanted to deal with me if you met me before the time loop.
no subject
... I wouldn't say this if I thought any of them might be listening, but they've all made it abundantly clear that they won't even try to listen to anything I say or do when I'm, ah, with you. Thank God.
[He still speaks at a soft whisper, as if that will prevent disembodied soul eavesdroppers.]
One of my other partners tortured and killed every guard in a gulag in one night, when he was barely older than the teenagers here. The other has run away from his responsibilities as a father for nearly three decades, instead berating his son from a distance for years while lying, stabbing, and cheating his way to the top.
I killed a man for the first time at seventeen, and since then have left a trail of dead men and behind me wherever I go. And I enjoy it- I've enjoyed every moment of my work, and I would do it all again if given the chance to go back.
So... What makes you so much worse than us? What made you deserve that sort of torment when I haven't? When I've personally avoided any punishment for any wrongs I have done?
[It seems like that's really what Medic's stuck on. Not just the fact that Phil thinks he deserves that sort of torment when Medic's done so much worse.
Why is he allowed to cheat his way out of literal hell, while Phil gets trapped in his own living hell for the crimes of being a dick?]
no subject
You really know how to turn a guy on, don't you?
[Judging by the small kisses he places on Medic's neck, however, he doesn't seem very upset by this.
... However, something soon hits him.]
Remember that first kiss we had? The one where I saw my entire time loop?
I think... it wasn't supposed to be a punishment.
It was supposed to be my opportunity to become the best person I could have become.
no subject
If you're turned on by hearing about murder and death, then you must be very happy with me.
[That's a joke.
He makes a soft noise at the kisses- Medic wasn't really expecting them, after all. He did kind of just talk about him killing a bunch of people.]
I... I like that much more. Though whoever chose to put you through it has a shitty idea of what's an opportunity and what's a punishment, ja?
What about now, then? Now that you're no longer in that loop- basically defying whatever god or gods put you through it?
no subject
Phil does smirk at that one comment, however]
I didn't know you could tell jokes!
[He playfully pushes Medic's shoulder lightly. His smirk soon falters, however, as he thinks back on the loop.]
I at least wished someone told me about it upfront what I was supposed to do. I really feel like I squandered the past decade of my life now, looking back.
... And I'm not sure. I hope whoever or whatever was keeping me in the time loop decided to stop it once I got out. The idea of my entire world locked into one day for the rest of eternity thanks to me sounds terrifying just to think about.
no subject
[That does get him to giggle a little, at least.]
A little direction would be nice, yes. Instead of just hoping you figure it out at some point while you drive yourself mad from the monotony.
Yes, I hope that, too, but I more meant... Do you think you're still able to become "the best" version of yourself, even without a time loop forcing you to?
gently continues this
I don't know. I doubt it, if I'm being honest with myself. I don't know how long I ended up saying in that timeloop, but it's way more time than I have to just improve myself the same way here.
no subject
... That said, I like you just fine as you are.
[I mean some improvement wouldnt HURT but its fine he's gay anyway]